Thursday, August 19, 2010

Things that people don't warn you about when you get pregnant, but should.

So, I am roughly 14 weeks pregnant (or starting my 4th lunar month, y'all) and I starting thinking back on the whole early pregnancy process - getting preggers, finding out, alerting the peeps in your surrounding area, etc. - and it struck me that there is no really good manual out there for what to REALLY expect when you get that positive hCG test.

I mean, sure, there are plenty of "What To Expect When You're Expecting" books (way too overwhelming for those of us who don't have time to read a dictionary/encyclopedia. If I did have the time to read the equivalent of the owner's manual to my car I would have gone to Med School LONG ago) and "Pregnancy Journal" books (not so useful if you're not the journal type, just sayin'. Hi - have you seen how long it's taken me to put a first entry into this blog??) but no "Dude, we need to sit down and chat because this is the sh*t you're really going to experience" books. But don't worry. I'm on it.

Welcome to part one, which I will call "Top 10 list of "Sh*t You Should Be Prepared to Deal With At The Beginning." **Please keep in mind that some of my experiences my be a bit unique, but I have a feeling you'll still know what I'm talking about.

1. Seriously be ready for people to ask if you've been trying to get pregnant.

No, really - they are actually asking if you and your spouse/significant other have been actively having sex. And try to hold back the look of "are you kidding" that will flash across your face.

Also might want to rethink laughing hysterically and responding to the question with a sarcastic "No, I'm 32 and have been married for 4 years. I fell down in bed and OOPS - I'm preggers! Totally unplanned." That response won't win you many friends.

2. Morning sickness is not inevitable.

That being said, what IS inevitable is people giving you a blow by blow of how sick they were during their pregnancy, complete with times/frequency/consistency/and all things related to their own personal vomit fiesta. If you didn't feel like hurling before this, you will. Trust me.

3. People will ask you on a daily basis "How are you feeling?"

Do not answer honestly or you will be faced with the scenario mentioned in #2. Best thing to reply with? Tired. A "fine" response will only get people saying you're lying. Even if you're not tired, say you are. You can also respond with "I'm feeling pretty good, but so was that guy in Alien just before, you know..."

4. Brace yourself for the "Tired? You'll be tired for the next 20 years or so! Get used to it" hilarity that will result. Just roll with it.

5. If you are blessed enough to be pregnant with twins (as I am) people will ask you if they run in the family.

Now, for some of us it's the miracle of modern science that has allowed us to be with child at all (thank you, IVF!). Therefore, twins do not run in the family. You don't need to give people an honest answer here. I find that responding with "No, but hairy, Siamese circus performers run on my husband's side" is a great way to get out of having to go into any further detail.

6. Regardless of how far along you are, you're going to hear "Do you know what you're having yet?" Feel free to use any of my favorite responses listed here:

  • Yes. Baby humans.
  • An epidural.
  • A lifetime of heartache and pain.
  • About $600K in college loan payments.
  • No chance for retirement.
  • Pugs.

7. You're going to have a heart attack when you see the price of baby related items.

It does you no good to register early - all that does is give you extra time to dwell on the 2nd mortgage you're going to need to take out to furnish the new baby-pad. Forget it if you're having twins - you'll have a full on heart-a-stroke. That is way worse than a mere heart attack.

8. Related to #2 - beware the "Oh crap, it's 2pm" sickness.

This is way more sneaky than morning sickness. You'll just feel car sick for the rest of the day until you go to bed (or are ordered to go to bed because being catatonic on the couch by 6pm is no way to entertain company). Problem? No car to get out of.

9. Related to #8 - the thought of grocery shopping will make you want to throw yourself from the moving vehicle on your way to the store.

But don't worry - this passes. Soon that feeling will be replaced with wanting to throw others from the moving vehicle on your way to the store. Which brings us to #10.

10. Mood swings. Ho-ly mood swings.

There aren't the usual PMS mood swings you may have dealt with prior to the whole being pregnant thing, or the mood swings you see mentioned as an aside in your baby book. Oh, HELL no. These are more like mood demolition derbies. Examples:

  • Cotton commercials will make you cry.
  • You'll find yourself yelling at the dogs for breathing too loudly.
  • The couch will irritate you.
  • You accuse the laundry of mocking you.
  • It will be hot outside to spite you.
  • There will be meltdowns in the dressing room upon realizing that yes, you have to buy bigger pants at 3 months because you're having twins. "I don't look pregnant, I just look FAT!"

Hope this helps you newly pregos out there. As you can see it's been an interesting 1st trimester and this is only my top 10 - there are plenty of other gems to share. To that i say: Bring on the next 3 months!

-- A

1 comment:

  1. This post is highly entertaining. 4 out of 5 stars. At least your pain brings me laughter.