Friday, October 14, 2011

Mini-van life. It hurts.

Wow. Has it really been over a year since my last (and only) posting? Yes. Yes it has.

Since August 2010 the twins were born (January 2011) and now are 9 months old. We are currently expecting another addition to the family in March of 2012. Oh yes, we're doing it all again. Only a single baby this time. Talk about a surprise! I found out I was expecting again when I asked my husband to take me to the hospital because I thought I was dying. Heh.

I am now a SAHM and trying to juggle babies, dogs, cats, my step-son who is a 'tween, the household and a new pregnancy. I am also struggling with the fact my cool card went totally out the window when the Mystery Machine (mini-man) arrived the weekend the twins came home. I was still recovering from the c-section and therefore too weak to really comprehend the gravity of the mini-van situation. And it's heavy.

There is nothing cool about mini-van livin'. You can try to convince yourself otherwise but the truth of the matter is you are still driving something akin to a refrigerator on wheels. It's like when I was in the middle school band and I tried to convince myself that that playing the clarinet was cool. That was a questionable argument, too. There are things I have tried to do to elevate the mini-van into sexy SUV status. While amusing to some they have all proven futile attempts at rad-ness in the face of soccer-mom-ness. Here are my top 5 things to try and my prayer is that they work for you better than they have for me:

1. Buy the biggest sunglasses you can find in an attempt to be trendy
When I say big I am talking HUMONGOUS. Big ole sunglasses that make you look Mary-Kate and Ashley waiflike. The bigger, the better. Who cares they are so big your entire face becomes a blind spot? No one ever said being cool was easy. Or smart.

2. Download ├╝ber-trendy music on iTunes and blare it with the windows down.
It doesn't matter that you have no idea who the lastest pop peeps are; what matters is VOLUME. Just be careful what you choose and keep it current or culturally relevant. Blaring anything sung by a recent or current Disney or Nickelodeon star will get you labeled as a creeper. TuPac or Eminem will get you tailed by the po-po. Barry Manilow will get you giggled at.

3. Sticker the windows.
So I thought I would take the "green" route in my stickering by putting a "I <3 My Farmer" sticker on my rear window. You know, because I legit (heart) my Farmer. But let's be honest here: I am driving a vehicle that makes a Hummer look fuel efficient. This sticker is a slap in the face to our dirty hippie/farmer hugging friends. The "member of the NRA" sticker that some guy who lives here slapped on the back window next to my farmer sticker doesn't really help me make many friends, either. But that's ok - I have a "Breastfeeding is Natural" sticker that will be going on a certain someone's Mustang GT when they are not looking.

4. Get your ride in a cool color.
FYI: White is not in the cool color spectrum. How do I know this? My father owned a white Dodge Caravan, circa 1991. I now own a white Dodge Grand Caravan, circa 2011. See? I know things ad have seen things you can't even comprehend.

5. Spinning Rims.
I haven't tried this one yet. I really want to see someone else try it, though.

And for the record, even though I like to complain and poke fun at the Mystery Machine it can be fun to watch the looks on people's faces as I fly past them on the highway. I love that "was I just passed by a mini-van?" look on their faces. And though I do rock a van, I have resisted the need to wear mom-jeans. So far.


  1. Uhhh white is totally in the badass category of car colors. Witness exhibit a: my wicked fly Mazda. Exhibit B: SO THERE

  2. minis are rad. oh wait - you were talking about a mini-VAN? Sorry, can't help you much there.

    Will work on it...